The Terrible, the Fearsome, the Cruel Strawhat Pirates
by Perydot
Summary: As the Straw Hat Pirates take a break at a random island in the New World, you meet all of them and see that these so called fearsome, terrible pirates are...well, not so fearsome. [Reader-insert; (originally planned as a multi-chapter work titled "Without a Captain", changed to a one-shot)]


It's not like you didn't know who they were the moment they made their way through the city. Who wouldn't – couldn't – know who they were when they were the most talked about pirate crew two years ago? But of course, something inside you felt like you had to go up to the green haired man and say, "Excuse me, but um… are you the Straw Hat Pirates?"

He looked at you with that one open eye of his. He made you feel a little bit… well, _a lot_ stupid for asking that when it was most definitely obvious that they were. "Yeah, we are," he answered before he pushed right past you.

"Hey, Mosshead, you don't treat a delicate flower such as this like that!" the curly browed man yelled right before he turned – well, more like, _twirled –_ over to you with a lovestruck look in his eye. "What a beautiful woman to have greet us! I bet the women of this city are just as beautiful as—"

"Leave her alone, Shitty Cook. We don't need to add sexual harassment to our rap sheets," the green haired man called back.

"'Shitty Cook'? The only person here that's shitty is you, Shitty Swordsman!"

"Excuse me? How about I cut you up to see who's worse, huh?"

"Like you could even lay a finger on me, Mossball!"

"Don't fucking call me Mossball!"

"I'll call you—"

"Shut up, both of you!" the redhead yelled as she punched both men over the head. Both of the men grumbled and shot glares at each other as they started to walk away, their heads swelling from the beating. "Unbelievable…" the woman whispered under her breath.

"They're… something," you commented, although more to yourself than to the woman in front of you.

"You have no idea!" She started to walk away with the rest of her crew, but stopped short. "Oh, that's right!" She turned back to you. "Do you know of any spas or shops around here? Any rich men with a soft spot for beautiful women?"

"Oh yeah, there's this shopping center in the center of… wait, what?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing. Thanks for your help!" she waved as she followed the rest of her crew. "Sanji-san!" she called out with a fake sweet voice, "Want to come shopping with me and Robin?"

"Of course, I would do anything for you, Nami- _swaaaan_!"

"Such a kiss ass…" the green haired man grumbled.

"What was that, Mosshead?"

"Don't fucking call me that!"

"I told you to shut up!" the woman named Nami yelled as she punched them again.

"Oh, you found a place to shop already, Nami?" the only other woman, who you guessed was Robin, asked after the little violent exchange was done.

"Yeah, that girl back there told me about it."

"I can't wait then," Robin said with a light laugh.

"Can I go, too? I need to buy some medical supplies while we're here," asked a… tanuki?

You were cocking your head to the side as you stared at the little talking creature with a hat when the sound of hard, heavy footsteps and moving metal reached your ears.

"Owww! This place is _suuuuuper_!" the man yelled with a pose that just made you raise your eyebrows. Was he only wearing… speedos? Well, that shouldn't have been your only concern considering the way he looked and the way he was… built? Were those screws? Nuts and bolts? Your fellow citizens were turning their heads _up_ at him, watching this huge man walk barefoot down the street. He was _not_ hard to miss.

"This place is great! That guy at the dock said we could actually find materials for Sunny here," said the man walking next to the cyborg. He was kind of hard to miss, considering how the other man towered over him. The two men talked between themselves, going in the same general direction as the rest of their crew.

You had just watched the strange procession of the pirate crew, and they were rather… well, you didn't really know what to say about them. They certainly weren't the threatening and blood thirsty pirates like the ones you have met previously, and you have met _a lot_ of pirates. This city was rather popular with seafaring people since it was the only one within you didn't even know how many miles.

Just as you were going to go back to you whatever you were doing before you decided to make a fool of yourself and ask an incredibly obvious question, you heard a voice call to you. "Excuse me, miss," the voice said. You turned to see who was talking to when—

"Holy Mother of God!" you half screamed. "It, it, it's—"

"Oh, you recognize me?" the… creature in front of you asked. "I didn't know my celebrity reached this far into the New World. _Yohoho!_ It is nice to meet fans, though."

"Just… what _are_ you?" you managed to ask.

"I'm just your humble rock star that decided to go into retirement! I know, such a shame!" he said dramatically, throwing his skeletal hand to his forehead. You just noticed he had an afro. Could skeletons have hair? Wait, a better question: could skeletons even _move_? Talk? Act like _he_ is right now? Those were the questions you wanted to ask, but you were cut off before you could. "But enough about me. What I wanted to ask you," he said before he cleared his throat. (Well, it already was clear because there was nothing there besides bone…) "May I see your panties?"

" _As if!_ " you yelled right before you slapped his bony cheek and sent him flying down the street.

Well… you now knew _one_ thing for sure: skeletons can be just as pervy as when they were still living human beings.


End file.
